The dream ends suddenly and I am catapulted from the depths of sleep to being wide awake, all in the blink of an eye: from forty winks to raring to go in less time than it takes for a Porsche to leave you standing at traffic lights. I fumble for my specs in order to read the display on the radio, hoping desperately that the hour is reasonable. Perhaps I have woken up just before the alarm goes off. Perhaps I have slept through that alarm and can savour the feeling of relief, knowing that the need to get to work on time no longer applies to me. I have no such luck: it is 2:15 in the morning, barely four hours after I went to bed and my brain is now in a high gear. I know that simply shutting my eyes and pretending that sleep will come quickly to reclaim me is pointless. I might as well just go with the flow...
I pick up my phone and open Facebook. In the past, being a member of a couple groups on FB where the opinions expressed were - how shall we put it? - very challenging, looking at FB would have been a total no-no. By the time I had responded to the racist UKIP bilge posted by some members, my chances of being calm enough to sleep would have completely disappeared for the night! Now, no longer a member of those blood pressure-elevating groups, FB is a safer place to go. After a little wander on that site, I move to Twitter. Now this really is a little more dangerous. It is possible to end up reading racist UKIPpery, misogynist bile and other assorted idiocy that, once again, can get one's brain working overtime on some 140 character put down that will win the day (it rarely materialises). I know I should leave it alone, but I can't help myself! Unlike FB, where nearly all my contacts are in the UK and thus are probably enjoying the sleep I am denied, Twitter is global and just keeps on going, new posts appearing all night. No good when trying to tear oneself away from the screen.
Eventually, I manage to close Twitter only to see the little siren that is the Candy Crush icon, beckoning me to play just one teensy tiny little game. With Candy Crush, whether you complete a level or fail a level, the result is the same: you need to play "just one more round" either because you are sure that this time, you'll manage to clear all that bastard jelly or, if you have just completed a level, you must be on form and ready to clear a few more before bed. Either way, that's another few minutes wasted..
I check the clock once more: three o'clock. Time to try sleeping again. I lay down and, after a while telling myself that I'll never get back to sleep, I start to drift off when loud voices rouse me from imminent slumber. Two lads and their partners are having a conversation that, despite their probably being about three feet from each other, is conducted at the tops of their voices, either amplified by drink or from having had their ears deadened in a club all night. Then I hear one say "The car's here!" and I hope to God that at least one of them is sober. I hear the car door slam, and immediately look at the clock: 3:25. I think briefly about picking up the phone once more, but I know that that would be madness, Instead, I resolve to try to sleep once more.
Once more, the fuzzy feeling of limbo is upon me when I am wrenched back to life by the pealing of the parish church's bells that are announcing that it is four in the morning and all is well! I gnash my teeth, plump up the pillows and try to sleep once more. My night, now so disrupted, is never going to produce anything more than fitful dozing sprinkled with vivid and disturbing dreams which is punctuated every 15 minutes by my awakening by the quarter chimes from the church. Finally, just when all is lost and I am about to give up any idea of sleep, I drift off into a blissful deep, satisfying sleep....which is rudely terminated by John Humphrys' dulcet tones announcing "It is six o'clock and these are the headlines...".
I throw the duvet aside and swing out of the bed. I look down enviously at Elaine who has slept on through all of this. Oh well, I can always have a bit of a nana nap on the sofa this afternoon...
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